"Everyday is a bad day, but some just are on the limit" (c)

Having a bad period of life – is not bad; at least you dont stroke a hope, that tomorrow you will wake up and everything will be okay. No, it will not, and it is not scary or terrible, it os okay, one can live with that knowledge. Being completely honest, can you be that sure of tomorrow when you are happy? Does happiness assure you that day ahead will be a happy day as well? But pain rather does. Pain, that you feel, in reality, is the only thing you can rely on: it was before, it is now, and it will be in the future. Thinking about awareness of what is coming, and reffereing to the past experience, it is quite a type of happiness – knowing what awaits you tomorrow.

Nevertheless, I did not plan to talk about the pain, how much it hurts eberyday, or what it is like to cry every morning in the bus. I wanted to talk about the strenght. The strength, that comes from inside. That believe in that one day it is going to end, and you will achieve everything you wanted, and it all going to be worth todays suffering.

But what I can tell you so far… is that this believe you have to invent yourself. You have to persuade yourself to believe it. Because, when you are surrounded by constant pain - it is immpossible to immagine ever being happy. Broken inside is at the moment the brightest and surely the most vivd sensation of yours, it overcovers everything else you ever felt. Love, being loved, happy, smiles, calmness…. like non of them ever happened. As inside your head your path gets converted to the immage and it looks like a circle, each arc of which meets at the poing B of endless suffering. You break over and over again. There is no place left for others feelings, such as memory of good. Because: What for? Each path meets at the poing B. Where every night you are going to fell asleep with swallen from the tears face and blocked nose. And then wake up in the middle of the night being awaken by your own scream.

Please, dont give up. One day it will all worth it, and as much as you are hurt now, as much you are going to be happy later. Yes, yes, I know, that "later'" is too abstract. But I do not have any other words. And that is I am telling myself. Right now, at this moment, I am begging myself to be able to take that pain. I am begging myself to keep believing in happy abstract later. And for the god's sake, it s been 5 months like this, and I hope as the time pass, I get more used to pain, so it stats hurting less. But, no. everyday I feel it with a fresh follow.