i hate my moodswings a lot. i just really dislike my emotions in general? the only way i can describe the way i feel for the past year or so is “gray”. it’s a mush of “i hate myself”, “i hate everything”, “i want to die already” and “i am a horrible person”. and i can’t see an end to this? i just don’t see myself as a happy person. i have no reason to exist; i had plans and dreams but they are all futile - i am neither talanted or smart nor motivated enough for this. all i want is to just stop existing because i am tired of feeling guilty and sad and bitter, but i have to live on because if i ever did die this would hurt some people a lot. my dad just dealt with his own dad dying - how could i possibly do anything to hurt him, even though we don’t see each other much? how would my mom feel? i am already a huge disappointment. she denies it, but i see how it makes her feel when i fail at things again and again and again. i’m tired of disappointing others, and i’m tired of trying to be someone i am not. i’m just a piece of shit who happened to be surrounded by people who care about me, and i am so undeserving of this. why should i be loved when there are people much better than i am who are unloved?