Suicide is the hardest thing for me to deal with right now. It’s endless cycle that never gets done because it goes: I wanna do it->but I’ll upset people and I hate doing that->but who really cares->I wouldn’t know how to without seeing my own blood or some other way I can’t mentally handle. So I never do it. But that doesn’t mean I think about it constantly. I have moments when I’m driving and I think about anything that’s positive to look forward to soon and whether it’s worth ending it then and there. Just swerving off the road somewhere. But I never do it because, there goes my car that my mom has to pay for.
I’ve only cut once in my life and it was when my parents’ divorce and a girl hurting my feelings got the better of me and I hid inside the bathroom during our 8th grade dance and scraped my arm with a broken pencil. It didn’t bleed but it hurt and I felt even worse afterwards. I wouldn’t be able to handle cutting anyways because of my hemophobia.
I don’t know if therapy will really do anything. All I ever hear is “don’t do it” but I never hear any reasons why other than “You’ll make the people you care about upset”. That’s a good enough reason for me since I hate upsetting people to the point where I’m a doormat but it never really helps me personally. It won’t make me stop having these thoughts. Even if I finally get to look and feel and be a girl, I still think those thoughts will be around because it’s the easy out of all this stress and disappointment I’ve brought upon everyone.
—2013. catharsicle