so here's the thing. i've done a lot of thinking and now i feel like i've reached some sort of closure. the other day i was talking to this girl and it felt to me like she was everything i am not. she had all those guys proposing to her and generally being crazy about her all the while she was really practical and didn't really love any of them. and i was like: jeez, why can't i be like that? why am i always putting my heart out and getting awfully hurt in the process? but then, while we smoked outside, she told me: 'i'm so jealous of people who can love like that. i've never felt it. you know, i love those creative people who always seem to have something going on for them. sure, they feel depressed most of the time, but god, do they burn.. and i feel like a lightbulb who just goes around and emits this really weak light. not burning. sometimes i try to create some sort of fantasy for me when i get bored. i convince myself that i'm sooo head over heals with someone, that i can't live without them. it's never true'. and it dawned on me. she wanted to be me. yes, i got hurt a lot in my life. i am crazy emotional and sensitive. sure, experience taught me that sometimes i need to tone it down a little. no one is obliged to deal with my mood swings and fits 100% of the time. i need to work on that. but on a deeper level, there is nothing wrong with me. i burn. i put myself out there. i know what's it like to feel the highest highs and the lowest lows. i have that to offer to the word. someone out there is going to be crazy about that, someone out there one day is going to cherish that in me and feel lucky. sure, it will involve a lot of work anyway. but this time from both parts. and that person will love that crazy flame i have to offer. just like i loved his (although much short-lived).