I dont know why but i'm gonna write this post in english.
Today i was trying on clothes that i will wear going home on monday and also when meeting Panda. And when i was looking at myself in the mirror i was absolutely disgusted with myself. This has been going on for the whole year. Last year I lost weight after i broke up with my boyfriend and I fell inlove with myself cos i loved my body. It was new to me cos i was never skinny. But when i started college i put on all that weight i've lost back on. I started going to the gym. .i spent 3 months there plus different types of exersises at home and none of it helped. I get really depressed over it cos i just hate the way i look and i feel a bit awkward when telling this to people cos they're probably sick of hearing that by now, but i just cant help myself = (And now that Panda is coming over to see me on tuesday i know i will feel uncomfortable with myself although he is telling me that i'm beautiful and stuff but i'm just so paronoid that when he's gonna see me he wont like me and will just leave the same day: (I told him that and he said that he knows how i feel cos he was exactly the same until he started working out.. so i guess that was a hint that i need starting working out or something ? but i have. .and i did loads. .it just didnt fucking help me..
I think i need to see a psychologist. Its been going on for too long and i just cant put up this is anymore..its so stupid but i cry over it too often: (I hate myself..