So I was thinking the other day…
Sure, I find my body unattractive for the most part. But that’s not why I hate it so much. [I’m getting better about accepting it, but still.]
I’m uncomfortable in it. I’m uncomfortable in it because it doesn’t feel like mine.
That whole… mind/body doesn’t work for me like it does for most people. Mind controls body -> Body controls mind -> Mind exists within body ->Perceptions of body exist within mind. Or something like that? That doesn’t work with me. My mind and my body are two entirely separate things and my body doesn’t feel like mine, at all. I feel trapped in it. I’m so disconnected from it.
It’s so bad that just by thinking about it a little, and looking down into my hands, I can put myself right into dissociation.
Of course there’s more to it than that, but that’s the main reason I have so many issues with my body, I think. I’m uncomfortable with my weight, for example, because in my head, I feel like I should be slimmer. My entire body doesn’t feel like it should in my head. It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, at all.
When I alter/modify it, though, I make it mine. When I scar it, or pierce it, or dye my hair, or when I get tattoos [soon], it’s okay. I’ve claimed it, it’s mine. I don’t hate that part of myself, anymore. [If my mental state is bad, yeah, I can take it out on my body, transference, blah blah blah, but that’s not as common]. I get urges to modify certain parts of my body, and when I think about it, it’s really for no other reason than I am very uncomfortable with it. It feels wrong. For example, lately I’ve been really wanting to pierce my lip. I won’t, because A]I’m a saxophone player, that wouldn’t go over too well and B]It honestly would look very bad on me. Upon having this body-image-realization, I thought about it, and I’m really uncomfortable and uneasy with the lower half of my face. I don’t like it, but that wouldn’t be so much of a problem if it felt to me like I feel it should.
My hair felt wrong, so I dyed it, and now I at least like my hair. I like my nose because of the piercing. I like my arms and my legs and my hip - at least better than I do otherwise - because of the scars.
This has been a ramble.
On a related note: I have five tattoos I plan on getting, the first of which will happen in September for my birthday.