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  1. 2 заметки реблог
    Странно это, долгие, осознанные годы дорожить парой человек. Любить их, делать их особенными. Откладывать, фильтровать свои дела ради них. А потом. Потом вроде все понятно, у всех своя жизнь. Я правда понимаю. Есть университет, есть работа, есть парень. Но неужели в тот единственный раз, когда мне нужна помощь, сложно это все отложить? Я люблю их слишком сильно, я готова на большее, чем они для меня. Это нечестно. Они меня не заслуживают. Я не забуду.
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  2. реблог
    Undateable

    На этих выходных я, кажется, упустила потенциально самого близкого человека, который мог бы стать мне надежной опорой и тем самым "соулмейтом", в поиске которого находится, судя по всему, каждый второй. Мы познакомились 4 года назад на никому неизвестном в России dating сайте и сразу нашли общий язык, но я не придала тогда всему этому особого значения, в силу своей тупости я тогда реагировала только на типичных факбоев. Потом наша связь как-то прервалась, мы почти не общались около года, пока совсем недавно не встретились вновь на просторах сети на мега популярно анонимном сайте, на который я зашла впервые просто любопытства ради, и первый, кто мне попался, это он. Мы проговорили около трех часов, которые пролетели, как один. Оба были удивлены, насколько нам легко друг с другом, и как хорошо мы друг друга понимаем. Забавно, но о том, что мы уже знакомы, мы узнали только под конец беседы, когда решили сбросить маски анонимов. Как тут не поверить в некое подобие судьбы? Характер, чувство юмора, темперамент, интересы, манера общения - perfect match. И, самое главное, я ему нравилась, черт возьми! Действительно нравилась все это время. Он прекрасно осознавал, что мы идеально подходим друг другу, и готов был дать всему этому безумию под названием "отношения" шанс. И что же я сделала? Струсила. Опять. Я отменяла наши встречи на протяжении всех этих лет. Но я надеялась, что в этот раз, после всего, что случилось, я найду в себе силы увидеть его. Но...Some things never change. Я просто не пришла, придумав какую-то очередную тупую отмазку, от которой мне самой было стыдно до такой степени, что мне хотелось сжечь сообщение, как только я его отправила, я избегала даже смотреть на этот комок текста, ибо понимала, какая же это все очевидная хрень. Я ожидала, что он взбесится, разозлится, пошлет меня на три буквы. Но его реакция была во сто крат хуже того, что я представляла. Он был спокоен как удав. Бросил короткое "Понятно. Я поехал домой", после чего написал все так же холодно и отчужденно, что желания узнать меня получше и, наконец, встретиться у него больше нет. Если бы он был зол, взбешен, у меня был бы шанс, что он успокоится, отойдет и я залатаю эту трещину, но такой ответ не оставляет никаких шансов, потому что он лишен эмоций, он взвешен и окончателен. Каково же мне теперь? Осознавать, что я собственной тупостью разрушила, растоптала тот долгожданный шанс на что-то нормальное, на что-то хорошее, долговечное? Мои страхи погубят меня. Мне нужно время. Вот только...его мне уже не вернуть. Что ж, надеюсь, это будет мне хорошим уроком и тем самым толчком к тому, чтобы наконец что-то в себе поменять в лучшую сторону.

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  3. 6 заметок реблог
    Не понимаю, откуда взять в себе силы бороться, двигаться, желать, жить. Я то ли не выросла, то ли заранее состарилась. Из чувств только вялое презрение к себе.
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  4. 4 заметки реблог
    БЛЯТЬ. Я реально, действительно достигла возраста, когда вокруг меня девушки замужем и рожают детей! И честно, я очень рада за них! Но страшно за себя! (На эмоциях вся, ага)
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  5. 2 заметки реблог
    В Астана сейчас идет Экспо. 2 июля приедут марсы. И Я НА НИХ ПОЙДУ. Это был замечательный год в плане концертов! Я побывала на Parov Stelar, The pretty reckless и Postmodern Jukebox. А теперь и главная любовь моей жизни.
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  6. 2 заметки реблог
    В детстве я очень любила трилогию Филипа Пулмана "Темные начала". Быстро переходя к сути: в книгах изображалась другая вселенная (а точнее, много параллельных миров). И главная героиня, Лира Белаква, жила в том, где душа человека представляет собой какого-то зверя. Человек и его душа общаются между собой, они невыносимо близки. Было там такое уточнение, что далеко человеку и его душе отходить друг от друга нельзя - иначе порвутся связывающие их нити. И тогда все безразлично. Человек в этом мире может чувствовать при отдалении своей души боль, все больше и больше. Затем разрыв. Мне нравится эта метафора. Не в невероятно глобальном смысле, что я отдала свою душу. Но много важных моментов, вещей. Дорогих людей. Я чувствую боль, чувствую, как тянет что-то в груди. Затем пик, просто помешательство, мысли об одном, душно, больно, больно. А потом отпускает. Значит, нить порвалась.
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  7. 3 заметки реблог
    Итоги

    В общем, я закончила универ. Сдала госы, защитила диплом (отлично!). Кажется, я писала сюда еще когда только поступала и нужно было впервые покинуть дом, родной город, страну. Странно это.

    Я давно не писала. Последний раз аж в прошлом году. Столько произошло. Вроде бы много, а с другой стороны - ожидаемые события. Наверное, бессмысленно пытаться расписать все (я испытываю странное чувство ленности, видя чистый лист, будь это реальная бумага, или ворд, или вьюи).

    Почти год в прекрасной Москве. Все неприятные слухи, что я слышала, разбились. Так и хочется петь "лучший город на земле".

    Я закончила университет. И я понятия не имею, что мне делать  с жизнью. И до меня начинают доходить выполощенные истины, вроде "жизнь одна". И она уходит! У меня наступил странный кризис юного возраста. Я чувствую, как быстро течет время. И насколько не на сто процентов я его проживаю. Наверное, мои мозги промыты бесконечными сериалами и фильмами. Но все же. 

    Я хочу вернуться в Москву. Я хочу работать там. Отдыхать. Найти новых друзей. Гулять. Путешествовать. Сидеть в кафе. Покупать красивую одежду. Хочу найти своего человека. Чтобы все было просто и счастливо.

    Наверное, я только в этом году начала по-настоящему ощущать несправедливость между бедными и богатыми. Как бы по-детски это не звучало. Ведь не пришлось бы волноваться... Да ни о чем не пришлось бы! Я наблюдаю со стороны за такими своими знакомыми. Это так здорово. 

    Надеюсь, что я повзрослела. Я вижу, что постарела мама. И я вижу ее слабости. Я помню, как полагалась во всем на нее. Потом мы словно стали равны. Подружки. А сейчас я переросла ее? Не в пафосном смысле, что я такая умная и взрослая. Но так странно больно наблюдать как стареют родители.

    Недавно нашла фото. За 26 августа 2013 года. Я была там явно после слез, с прыщами и супер-грустным лицом. За несколько дней до отъезда. Не нужно мне было так волноваться. И я стараюсь сейчас провести такую же паралель. У меня все будет хорошо. Наверное.

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  8. реблог
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